Divorce

 
 Martin Luther King Jr. once said " whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly. This especially is no more true than when it comes to divorce. Divorce is a ugly thing that has the potential to affect so many people. I would like talk a bit about some of the struggles and affects of divorce. I would also like to discuss some of the protectors against divorce.
  When I was younger I loved to go to the park and throw rocks in the pond. As a child it always amazed me how I could throw a small rock and watch the ripples spread out feet away from the rock and even move and shake things such as small leaves in the water. In a way this is like a divorce. Many people may feel that a divorce doesn't matter and that is only between the husband and wife, but in reality it affects so many more. When there is a divorce in a family it is more than just the couple splitting up, it is often the whole family that gets split up one way or another. Often children in the family are left picking sides on who they want to be loyal to or spend there time with. Sadly often children may even be turned against one parent. It is not just the intermediate family who feels the affects of the divorce but often all of the extended family and friends feel at least some of the ripples and disruption of a divorce. Think about if there was a family who all went to church together and then there was a divorce. What would it be like for those members of the congregation? Do people stay friends with booth the husband and wife,or does it become awkward and soon something where individuals who were friends with booth have to take sides?And what happens to the grandparent who is the parent of the spouse who does not have custody? Most likely they will fell the affects of the divorce also and not be able to see there grandchildren as much either.
  As you can imagine there are problems other than loyalty issues. Things that are even more temporal and tangible like money. Did you know that the average distance of a divorced father lives from his teenager is around 400 miles. Thats a long distance and you can probably think of a lot of problems that would arise from that alone. One reason why this happens is because a divorce is financially draining and can be expensive. Often times booth the wife and husband will need to work more hours or even another job to get by in a divorce. The husband may have the need to work more hours or at a better job so that he can meet his child support payments. Also many traditional mothers if they have there own place to live will need to pay for there living situation which will mean the mother will have to work. Either that or she can live with relatives such as parents which will cause a move that may be a long distance away from the father.
  Sadly the list of symbolic ripples of divorce goes on and on and there is a numerous amount of problems that can come from a divorce. Sadly a study shows that 70% of divorced people in a sample reported  two years after there divorce that they should have stayed with there spouse and that they regretted getting a divorce. We can take away from this that it may be a good idea to wait a while when considering getting a divorce and think about all of the troubles that will come from a divorce instead of thinking about the troubles you may be escaping. It seems that a lot of times there may be a lot more reasons to stay together than to divorce. There are other protectors against divorce. One of theses protectors is money. Research shows that there is a high correlation between divorce and financial stress and there are less financially stable people getting divorced than the poor people. Another important protective factor is education. Couples with higher education are less likely to divorce. The final protective factor I wish to mention is religion. Religious people are less likely to divorce. Even though there are a lot of little things that may cause problems and uncertainty in a marriage there are a lot of things that will help us to stabilize a marriage that we can use to combat against divorce.
  There are of course exceptions of why a divorce may have good consequences such as leaving an abusive relationship. However, a lot of times it is the source of a lot of pain and struggles to come. Di spite popular belief divorce may be the path to more problems not the path away from them.

Helping Our Children's Needs be Meet Through Parenting

   Have you ever for the first time meet the parent of a friend or roommate and then afterwords understood that individual a lot better? Or maybe after spending a week with your in laws you understand a lot better why your spouse is the way they are. We are greatly influenced by our parents and we are the way we are because of them. However, we are not just the way we are because of our genes that run in the family but we are also influenced greatly by the ways that our parents raise us and parent. Every parent has goals for there children. These may be things such as helping our children to have healthy relationships, make decisions on there own, and to get a good education. We can best help our children to obtain these goals by how we raise our children and teach them through our parenting. By reaching the needs of our children we can help them to obtain the goals that everyone want for there loved ones and there children. I would like to discuss what these needs our, how we can meet them through good parenting.
   Most of us have heard of Maslow's hierarchy of needs. This basically shows that some needs are more important than others. For example we can live longer without food than without water. Well there are a lot of other needs that we as humans need and needs that are especially important to a developing child. One of the important needs that a child need of belonging and contact with others. If you think about it this is why one of the hardest forms of punishment for an individual is to be isolated from others. We as humans need contact with others to develop healthily and to survive. The second need that our children have is of power. No they do not need to be a supper hero to make it ok in this world, and they do not need to be the head of the house hold. When I mean by children having power is that children need to have some autonomy and to be able to make decisions and to contribute and help others. The next need that a child needs is to be able to withdraw. This is basically being able to take a break and a step back. Another important need for a child to have meet is they need to be challenged.  Finally one another very important need for a child is protection.
  As you can see that these needs are not just for children but for all human beings. However, if we do not get them meet in a safe and healthy way then we will find some other way. This is why it is a parents responsibility to meet thees needs of there children. One thing that a parent needs to do for there children is to give them contact freely and frequently. Give your children hugs, talk to them, and let them know you are there. A little of this can often go a long ways. The second need to be meet is for power. As a parent we can help our children meet this need through the giving of choices. This can be as simple as asking them what kind of fruit do they want to have with there lunch. No body likes to feel controlled and children are no exception to this. Another need that children have is withdraw. Something that parents can do to help with this is to teach children how to take breaks at appropriate times and how to go back afterword and finish the tasks. If you think about the purpose of time outs in sports it is not to waste time or to goof off. It is often time to take a step back and evaluate before going back to the game at full speed. We to can take time outs while working at our homes. As mentioned before a child needs to be challenged. A way that a parent can do this is through helping our children develop skills and interests that will help them accept challenges and to be challenged. Some good possibilities are activities such as sports, music, and dance. One of the final things that a parent needs to do to meet the needs of there children is to teach and practice forgiveness and assertiveness. This is something that  will help children feel protected and safe.
   Meeting these needs do not always come naturally however, they are of great importance. As I mentioned before these needs most of the time will be meet, if not by us then by some other means. Often things such as drug use, rebellion, risk taking, and revenge seeking can be avoided if parents meet these basic needs for there children. By meeting these needs we will not only be helping our posterity live healthy lives but we will be setting to go on and reach the goals that we all have for our children.

The Power of Fathers

 

  When I was little my favorite flavor of the Jolly Rancher candies were the Grape ones and my favorite doughnut was the chocolate Bismarks. Is there any guess why those were my favorite flavors? Well those just happened to be my dads favorites also, and I wanted to be just like him. Even thought those  aren't my favorites any more my father still had a huge impact on my life especially over the things that matter and a are a lot more important than jolly ranchers and doughnuts. Fathers in a way can be the hero or the absent figure who drops the ball when they are needed the most. No father is perfect but everybody needs a father who strives to do his best even though he is imperfect.  I would like to expound a bit more about some of the reasons why fathers are so important.
  I'm not sure if I was the only one out there who thought that there dad was the vest at everything. In fat, I remember arguing with my cousins and friends about whose dad was the strongest and could beat up the other dads if needed. Even though my dad never had to beat up my uncles or friends dads while I was around, he did protect me from more than I knew and her gave me a sense of security while I was growing up. This is one of the very important reasons why we need fathers. In Dr. Tim Rarick's blog Family Good Things he addresses specific ways that fathers are a protection in the family for there children. For instance, there is twice as high of an infant mortality rate for infants with unmarried mothers. The families without a father in the home are also four times more likely to be in poverty. Youth growing up without fathers have a significant higher probability of being incarcerated. These are just some of the negative impacts of fatherless homes but the list does not stop there and goes on. So if you think that the only thing a father does is influence his young boys choice in doughnuts you are wrong. That same father can have an impacts on things such as the likelihood of his song going to prison and graduating high school.
  Singer song writer John Mayer has a popular song that he wrote titled Daughters. In his son he sings of the importance of a fathers relationship with his daughters. In Dr. Rarick's blog he expounds on how this song is not just a catchy poem but has a lot of truth in it and is actually backed up by empirical evidence. Fathers have a strong influence in the lives of there children especially in daughters. Dr. Rarick gives several examples in his blog. For instance daughters who do not have a father in there life are affected not just emotionally but also physically. Daughters who do not have a father are more likely to start their menstrual cycles and hit puberty earlier. They also are 7 times more likely to become sexually active at a young age and become pregnant when not married. Girls with fathers in there lives are also more likely to have healthy relationships with others and happier and healthier marriages than those who do not have a father in there lives. One of the many reasons for this is that a father acts as a protection for his daughter. He my not be fighting off villains who are attacking his teenage girls, but he shows his daughter what is appropriate in a relationship and what she should look for in a relationship. He does this by showing his daughter how a man should treat a women by the way he treats  his wife and his daughter. By this simple and basic pattern a father can have great impact on the lives of his daughters. If we seek to empower women in this day in age we should look at how we can give more value in the role of a father  and the potential he has. Saying that a father is not needed is not giving more power to women but actually taking it away from them. It is not that women are not needed because they are. I like to look at is like two different foods such as whole grain bread and oranges. One is not more important than the other in a individuals diet but they booth give special vitamins and nutrients that we need in our lives.
  I personally am very excited to be a father in the future. If there is one job that I would say is under appreciated in our society I would say that it is the teachers and the fathers. And if you think about it a father should be one of the most important teachers that we have.

Communication in the Family

  Have you ever been to a different country or in a situation where no one spoke your language? I had a cool opportunity to serve a mission for my church in Southern Brasil and had a lot of experience struggling to learn a different language and to be understood. I said a lot of things that didn't quite make sense. Once I told someone that I like there cookies that they were wearing. Another time I told someone that a lot of people where I lived like to merry deer. Yeah when you have trouble communicating it can be very frustrating and even cause a lot of problems. In marriage it can be just as vital to learn how to communicate, and a lot of grief and pain can be avoided by using good communication.
  One unique word that I learned in Brasil that I will never forget is the word Bah. This word really is only used in Southern Brasil and it doesn't really have a specific definition. It can be used to express surprise, frustration, sympathy, sorrow, and much more.What makes the difference is how the context and the tone that you use. The same thing can be said about how we communicate with others and especially in how we communicate in our marriage. It isn't really the words that we say but how we say it. In fact we talked of how communication is made up of 3 parts. Words, tone, and other none verbal expressions. Words make up roughly 14% of communication, tone 35%, and none verbal 51 5. If this does not make sense think about these two examples. Imagine if you ask someone how they are feeling and they respond to you by yelling "I'm fine". Meanwhile there face is red and there eye brows are furrowed and they seem very agitated. Would you feel that there answer matches the message that they expressed? Or imagine if there was a person who was crying and seemed to be agitated and a person who didn't speak there language. Imagine if the one came up to the other and put there arms around them and gave them a hug. Even if they did not speak the same language they still would be able to send messages and communicate with each other. In our marriage there are a lot of messages that we can give to people without using words that we need to be mindful of.
   It is natural that in a marriage or in any other relationship that we will have miscommunications. IT is very important for people to know what to do when there is miscommunication in our marriages. There was a guy named David Burns that gave 5 secrets of good communication that are very effective especially when there is miscommunications. The first principle is to find a kernel of truth in what your spouse says. So for example if your wife says this is horrible you never listen to me and Im so mad. The kernel of truth is not that you are a horrible person or maybe not even that you never listen to your spouse but that your spouse is mad and feels that they are not listened to. The second principle is to express empathy. This is basically trying to feel what the other person is feeling and trying to understand what they are communicating to you. The third secret is to use inquiry, or basically to try to ask questions to understand what the other people are feeling. The fourth principle is to use assertiveness. A lot of time when we think of being assertive we may think that this means to be rued or even mean. However it is more being direct and expressing your feelings directly. This principle reminds me of what they taught in my elementary school when using "I messages". When you use assertiveness you tell a person how you feel and why you feel that way and what you would hope for or like others to do. For example you may say that when someone yells at you you feel sad because you feel inadequate and unloved and in the future you would prefer that a person try to not yell at you. The last secret of Burns is to express sincere gratitude and respect. Doing this is important because it helps a person to feel loved even when the couple has a misunderstanding or a miscommunication.
   It is not something easy to have good communication. In fact it can be a lot more natural to get mad and to use poor communication. However if we practice the principles that were discussed today it will help us to avoid a lot of problems and communicate our feelings in a healthy way.

Stress in the Family

   Have you ever had a moment when you were so scared you thought you might make it back home? Or maybe the feeling that you were up to your neck with homework and work? Or have you had an experience similar to when there is a minuet left in a tied soccer game and you have a penalty kick to take that could put your team ahead to win the game? If you have said yes to any of these questions than you have felt stress in your life. There are many forms of stress that take place in our lives and our families are no exception to this. I would like to talk a bit about stress in the family and how it can play out and be something that can make or break us.

   If you think stress is something that is horrible and to be avoided at all costs you are wrong. In fact there are many instances that stress can be a help to us and necessary. For instance one of the dangers for an astronauts body is that there is a lack of stress in space. Because of this, astronauts whom leave the earth often experience a deterioration in there bones and muscles. Often I like to think of stress as pressure. Sometimes it is good to have pressure and this may be what gets us going and motivates us to do good things. However, if we have too much stress or do not deal with our stress in a healthy way it can be harmful to us and our families. There was a famous researcher after world war ll named Reuben Hill who studied families and why some seem to handle stress better than others. HE looked at many families who were impacted by the leave of fathers during the war and he noticed that there were more or less three outcomes of these families. They all had a dip down after the stressor but some of the families jumped back and were just as strong as before the stressor. Other families after having the stressor hit were not as strong and never recovered. Finally, some families after the stressor took a dip down but in the end became more stronger than they were even before the stressor. After noticing thees patterns Reuben came up with the ABC- X stress model that explains how a family deals with the stress and how it can either make or break them or cause them to be the  same as before.

   The ABC-X stress model shows the relationship between stressors, the used resources of families, and how the family perceives or defines the stressor. The A in the model is the stressor or in other words the hardship or the event in the family that can cause the stress. As we know and as Hill noticed it is not always that the hard event will cause the same results in everybody. The letter B in the model represents the resources that a family has or the use or the resources. Some possible resources that can help a family in a stressful time may be things such as money, extended family members, education, church, support groups, and any other sources of help and support. Not all families that go through stressful events have the same resources and this influences how hard it may be to overcome there challenges. The letter c in the model represents the perception or the way that the family sees there stressor. Some families see there challenge as the end of the earth. Some see them as merely obstacles to overcome. The perceived and used resources of the families handling stressful events can have an influence on how the family perceives there stress. Often these letter s make a triangle in a way with the one letter influencing and leading to the next. All of them together make up the X of the model or the level of crisis. So the findings according to Hill where that it is not just the stress that determines how big of a crisis it will be for a family but also how they use there resources and how they perceive there stress.

  So in the end it is not stress that makes or breaks the family, but several factors put together. If we use our resources and we view the stress as something that is normal or something that is not unbearable than we will be able to overcome the stress in a healthy way and actually have the potential to come out as a stronger and better family than before.  

The S word SEX!

Did I just say Sex in the title of my blog for this week? Well the answer is yes, yes I did. In fact my entire blog is going to be about the big three letter s word  sex. I would like to especially discuss why it is such an important thing and how men and women differ in there sexual tendencies.
 
 When people hear and think of sex there are a lot of different things that may pop into there heads. Some feel that sex is something evil and worldly that should not be talked about. Others may feel that it is only the means to have children. Some think it is something beautiful that is natural and a part of life. Depending on your perspective sex can be any of the three. I would like to share a quote from class this week " Sex can be a selfless act for great satisfaction, or a selfish act for great disaster". So if we want to only think of ourselves it can be something cold and worldly, or if we think of our partner it can be something beautiful and a charitable service that binds the couple together. When a couple is engaging in sexual relationships they are boot vulnerable to each other. Sex is a way to be the closest ever to your spouse physical, mentally, and spiritually. It can be a service that is like none other for couples to participate in.
   Even though sexual relations can be such a wonderful experience for couples to engage in together there can be some complications that arrive simply because men and women are different and have different sexual tendencies. Lets start off talking about men. Men tend to think more often about sex than women are. Not only is it more often on there minds but they can be in the mood a lot more often than women can. During sexual intercourse men often reach a heightened state of sexual arousal a lot quicker than women do and can reach the point of an orgasm a lot quicker. After they reach orgasm his state of arousal quickly declines .It in fact has been said related to this that men are like a toaster oven and a  women is more like a crock pot. Unlike men women often have a lot of things on there mind and do not think of sex as often as men do. Likewise it can be harder for women to be in the mood for sexual relationships to take place. For instance if a man had a hard day at work that maybe was emotionally draining he still could be in the mood for sex latter on. However, a women often will not be able to get aroused if there is too much or going on in her life and on her mind. Finally as mentioned earlier it also takes women a lot longer to get warmed up and aroused and a women reaches the point of an orgasm at a lot slower rate than a man does. When she has reached that high point of an orgasm she also tends to stay aroused and at a heightened state for a longer time compared to men.
   So you can only imagine that because of this there are a lot of potential problems or incompatibilities that can happen in a relationship. For instance imagine if a man is in the mood for sex and his wife is having a stressful week and is not in the mood at all when he is? What will he think of her? He may think things like that his wife is a selfish person who doesn't care about him, or he may think that she doesn't even love him or is sexually attracted to him. On her side she may think that her husband is selfish and only cares about sex but does not care about her emotional state and how she is stressed out. Another incompatibility that may arise comes from the differences in the patterns and speed of arousal for each gender. For men it may be no problem that they can get aroused quickly and be a go getter and have an orgasm in a relatively short amount of time. However, how does his wife feel who may just be starting to warm up and get turned on just when her husband is coming down from his orgasm and getting ready to fall asleep. You can only imagine how this can lead to potential problems and even the possibility for women to not want to engage nearly as much in sex.
  Sex is a wonderful thing but a lot more complex than some imagine. It can be an extremely vulnerable experience that can either be wonderful or terrible. This is why it is important to realize the differences between you and your spouse and there gender typical sexual tendencies and also your spouses feelings. Hopefully through today's blog post you learned something that will help you see sex as even more beautiful and important.

Marriage and its Transitions

Any transition or change we face has the potential of being hard or difficult. Things such as college, a new job, going on a mission trip. Marriage can also be one of the biggest transitions one may face in there life. When we are to be married we know we want to live with and love our spouse forever but we often may not realize what a transition it can be. I would like to discuss some of the ways that marriage can be a  hard transition and then some ways in that the transition can be a bit smother in our lives.
  I hear people complain all the time about there family. Some say things like " ahh my brother is so immature" or " I love my parents but I just can't stand being with them for more than a couple of days at a time". Who knows you may have found yourself saying this yourself and you understand the struggles of family life. Well what is it like with 2 families instead of one? Receiving a whole new family is a hard transition that comes with marriage that many people have to face. It can be hard to be considerate of family members views and  differences that you are not used to while still trying to form your own habits and way of doing things with your own spouse. This can be really hard and make the marital transition  difficult. When you are married you are forming your own family with your spouse and your own way of doing things. Often parents and others want to still have the exact same role as they did before and want to in a way infringe on your choices and have a strong say in what you do as a couple. A marriage in a way is leaving your family behind and committing to your spouse and relying on them instead of parents and others. This can be often hard to understand and cause a lot of stress to a newly wed couple trying to transition.
  Another transition that happens in a the life of a couple comes with the first child. It can be difficult to feel close to your wife when she is having to worry so much about her health and your future child while she is pregnant. Like wise it can be hard for the pregnant wife to find ways to be close to the husband and involve him with the pregnancy when she has so much already to think and worry about. Research shows that for most marriages marital satisfaction takes a significant drop with each birth of a child. Sadly often this drop may lead to a divorce. On the other some couples focus so much on there children and not on each other that when there children leave the nest they do not know what to do and many couples at this step in there lives often get divorced.
  So whats a person to do to help with this? Are we all just destine to failure? The answer to that is no. In each of these transitions there are things we can do to help. For instance when the married couple is pregnant it is wise to try to involve the husband as much as possible. When there is an ultrasound or appointment have the husband go so he can feel included. And when the baby starts to kick let the husband feel and know what it feels like. This will help him to feel excited and included during the pregnancy and likewise closer to the wife. Dating is also a highly important tool to use often from the beginning of the relationship until death. This will help the couple to always feel close to each other in what ever step of there life together. It is also important to talk openly about your family plans and goals. This way you can booth be on the same page and not have to worry about the advice from the peanut gallery about how you should have to do things. Then when pressure comes from family to do things a certain way you wont have to worry as much because you will already have experience forming your own way of doing things with your spouse.
  Yeah any transition can be difficult especially a marital transition. However, there are a lot of things to be mindful of and practice in order to keep the marriage strong despite the potentially difficult transition. Tools like being involving the husband in the pregnancy and going on dates can help smooth out potentially hard transitions.

Dating: The Road to Marriage

When I was younger and I imagined life as an adult I always pictured things like having a wife and children. However, I never really thought of how one got to that point in the first place. I figured that people just at some point liked each other and decided to get married, kind of like in the movies. However, at least in our culture here in the U.S., dating is often the road that leads to marriage. In this weeks blog I would like to talk a little about dating and the road to marriage, but also some things to be mindful of when dating, such as the RAM model.

I still remember one of the first times I asked a girl on a date. I was 16 and I went bowling and got ice cream with a girl who was a whole 4 years older than me and who was actually one of my sister's best friends. One of the things that makes me smile looking back at it, is that I remember I spent at least $15, which was a ton of money for me at the time. I remember thinking to myself, "Man this dating stuff isn't for poor people like me, there has to be a better way to do this." Well, even though I was wrong about dating only being for the rich, there is a good and a bad way to go about dating.

It is important to consider what it means to date. From what I have learned, I believe that dating is a way to get to know people and to see with whom you are compatible. When dating you should do a wide variety of activities, with a wide variety of people. This will allow you to get to know what you do and do not like in another person, and gives you an opportunity to see how people act in different situations. I certainly am no expert yet, but if you did something like going to the movies every week with the same person, you may or may not be able to really get to know them very well or get to know others.

Once you start to know what you like and have gotten to know someone, the next thing you should start to do is to start to court. Courting is more or less a trial, or test where you see if you are compatible for marriage. If the couple is compatible, and everything works well, you may decide to get married and have the rest be history. At least that's how it works and should work in my mind, and is a safe way to do things. This isn't considering the norm of different cultures around the world, but is one safe way to do things that will help you get on the road to marriage.

Pretty simple right? You get to know different people, and then you get to liking one so you court and if it works out you get married. Even though that pattern seems pretty easy to follow it may not always be so easy to live.



One thing that we need to be aware of while dating and courting is the RAM model. The RAM Model (Relationship Attachment Model) was introduced by a man named John VanEpp. This model takes into account 5 different measures to consider when we are in a romantic relationship with others. These 5 measures have a specific order, and could be seen as a hierarchy of needs that need to be met in a relationship. The 5 measures are: 1) to know someone more than you 2) trust them, and to trust them more than you 3) rely on them, and to rely on someone more than you 4) commit to them, and to be more committed to someone than you are 5) physically intimate. When in a relationship, if we want to avoid rushing into something dangerous or something we may not want, we should be mindful of this model. So much heart ache could be avoided if this model was followed. It is important, because often things like holding some one's hand and kissing them can blind us on how much we actually know someone. It would be horrible if you committed to someone based off of how much you liked kissing them to find out to late that the person was a jerk. Often people's true colors don't show until months into a relationship, but if you didn't take the time to know and trust them, but got roped into a commitment with them, it may be hard to back out. Sadly people often marry jerks and those whom they did not actually know too well and it all could have been avoided if the RAM Model was followed.

Dating can be a lot of fun, but it also can be very important. Many different rivers lead to the ocean, just like many different paths lead to marriage. Just like how all rivers are not the same, all paths leading up to marriage are not the same. There is defiantly a wrong way to do things, and there is definitely a good way that will lead you to a healthy marriage with less chances of divorce.

Boys Will be Boys

We have all heard this saying before: boys will be boys. Maybe it was when your grandmother saw her grandson fall out of a tree and hurt his arm. Or maybe when your dad saw you and your brothers take your bananas from lunch and started to pretend to shoot each other. But is this really what boys do? If it is, does it have to be this way? And finally should it be this way? Hopefully, after reading this blog post, you will be able to form your own answer to these questions.

There are a lot of tendencies that we see in younger children that seem to reflect their gender. There are a lot of them if you really think about it, and it takes just a short time see them in how children play. Boys tend to like to play with toys such as cars and bugs and monsters, and girls play with their cook sets and dolls. Boys like to run around and play sports and army, and girls like to socialize more. Some other things one may notice or claim, is that girls are more nurturing than boys are, and that boys in fact seem to be more aggressive.  Girls seem to pay more attention to detail and the way things appear, but boys seem to be better with directions. As I mentioned, this is not always the case. Sometimes you will have a girl who will want to play army just as much as the boys, or you may see a boy who wants to play dress up with the girls, but these are some tendencies or trends and things  that we tend to notice that are specific to gender. However, are these tendencies stereo types or are they fact and what the statistics actually show?

Some people may say boys will tend to be more aggressive, or that they like to do things like play with cars because that's what they learn from their culture and the messages they receive from their family. However, is this really the case, are our tendencies the way they are because of the way our culture teach us to be? Even though I believe this could play a part to the differences in tendencies, overall this is not what the research shows.

One research study observed infants and noticed some unique differences that were related to gender on the biological level. The female infants tended to look longer at peoples faces, and to be more excited when looking at individuals up close. With boy infants, however, this was for the most part not the case. In fact, they were a lot more excited looking at the mobile hanging above them, and looking at it as it moved.

In another interesting study, it was found that boys and girls responded differently to separation from their mothers. When infants were separated from their mothers and were placed on the opposite side of a plastic barrier from them, the girl infants were more likely to sit and cry out for their mothers and shed tears. The boy infants did not tend to do this, but instead they usually tried to break through the plastic barrier and would ram into it. These babies did not act this way because it is what they learned from their cultures, but instead it seems that a lot of these characteristics come naturally and without external influence.

It is interesting that as the babies grow up, we can see that their actions and behaviors reflect this information. Boys will tend to want to play with things that move like cars and usually want to run around. Girls like things that are pretty and have details, like dolls. Boys will be a lot more likely to take sticks and hit each other with them and to play war and girls will be more likely to take their dollies and rock them to sleep. Maybe this is just the way things should be. If one thinks about it maybe this is a good thing. Often these gender characteristics are good to have growing up. It can be a very good thing that women seem to be more naturally nurturing, because traditionally the mother is the one who will nurture the young in a family. Maybe it isn't a bad thing that boys are aggressive either. Men being aggressive can have a lot of evolutionary benefits, including the benefit in society today of a man being more likely to be the protector of his family and to confront danger.

In my opinion it is a good thing that the majority of soldiers are men, and that women are better at being the nurturers and are natural mothers. Everyone has a unique roll to play and we are made different from each other for a reason. There is an important document in my life that I follow called, "The Family: a Proclamation to the World." In this document it states that: "Gender is an essential characteristic of individuals premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose." In other words, we are who we are for a reason. So, is it true that boys will be boys? If you ask me I will give you a strong yes and I believe it is for a good reason.

The Family Soccer Team

Last week in my blog I talked a lot about family cultures and family rules. I mentioned how each family has a unique way of doing things that often make up its culture. One of the other big things that make up a family's unique family culture are the roles that are played by individuals in the family. These roles in the family are a big part of the family structure that make a family the way it is. However, a family structure can be intentionally and unintentionally planed and influenced. Today I would like to especially touch on how the roles within a family's culture can be changed by unique circumstances.



Something that I really enjoy is playing sports, especially when I was younger and had more time on my hands. One of my favorite sports is soccer. Like many other sports, soccer is a team sport made up of several important positions that can either strengthen or weaken a team.

I think that a family similarly organized in the way it is structured. Like a soccer team, a family is made up of many important roles and positions. There is the member of the family who often is responsible for the nurturing of the children and taking care of the family. There is also the person in the family who is in charge of being the leader of the family. There are other important roles, such as the caregiver who is the bread winner, or the family member who is the peacemaker. There even roles such as the family clown or the miniature mother. A family is operates best when it has the majority of these roles filled by members of its family and when the members work in union.

The culture  of a family influences who will play what roles within the family. For example, in traditional families in the United States, the mother usually fills the role of the nurturing the children and is a stay at home mom. Fathers are typically the main source of income and are responsible for providing for the family.

However, whatever roles family members start out in taking within their culture, there are outside forces that may influence a family to have to adjust or adapt their way of functioning as a team.

Have you ever thought of what would happen in a soccer game if all of a sudden there was no goalie? Or of what would happen if all of the people who played up front as forwards could no longer play?  Things would become chaotic and difficult pretty quickly. Maybe the team could still pull off playing the game, but at what expense? With no goalie, the defenders would have to work twice as hard to prevent the opposing team from scoring goals. Without forwards the other positions would have to double their efforts to make sure that there team would do the best to win.

Just as the structure of a soccer team can be a big part of its success, so is the structure of a family. However, there is not always a complete team full of players in every family. Due to various circumstances, the family roster may change drastically and as a result the family culture must adjust to the new dynamics.

This week I learned about how the unique circumstance of migrate families drastically influences their family structure. Often, the families coming here to the U.S. cannot come over all together, so they usually will send the father over first. In many cases, up to three years may pass before he can earn enough money to bring the rest of the family over to be with him. So what happens in that time while the family is separated?. Who plays the position the father while he is gone? Maybe the eldest brother might step in, or an uncle who is close by. But no matter who takes his position, it is an adjustment that effects the whole family.

Even when the family is finally united there are big adjustments that must be made to the family structure. For instance, once in the U.S., it's common for both parents to have to start to work. Who now is going to watch the children now that the mother has to work? As both parents work, and their children adjust to the changes in family circumstances and in their new country of residence, the family can get overwhelmed as they try to adapt and change to meet the new challenges they face.

This kind of thing can happen to more than just migrate families. Changes in the family structures are seen in military families when a parent is deployed, in homes where a family member goes away to jail or prison, or in families that suffer the tragedy of the death of a loved one. No matter the reason behind the change in the family structure, it can be very hard on the family team. Often in the family we can pick our own positions, but, in many circumstances our family soccer teams are not so ideal. It is important to be sensitive with the families who struggle around you and to reach out to help them. If your own family team is struggling, don't be too hard on yourself. Your family is not the only one with challenges. Don't be afraid or ashamed to ask for the help or support you need.

Family Cultures

All across the world, no matter where we go, you will find that people do things differently. In Brazil, before entering into someone's house, people clap their hands outside of the yard. In France there are more than 360 different kinds of cheese. There are even some places in the world, such as Vietnam, where it is common to eat dog. Meanwhile, in other parts of the world, dogs are considered man's best friend. Each of these differences are due to the various cultures that exist throughout the world. Culture has a huge impact on communities and nations. Similar to how the culture of a community or nation influences customs, each family has their own culture that plays a big role in the lives of the individual family members.

A family’s culture is a unique and interesting thing. We often don't even realize that we have a family culture until we move out of home ,or stay with other people, such college roommates. One of the first times I noticed that my family has their own culture was when I came home from college to visit for Thanksgiving. In my family, technology is used at the bare minimum. For instance, I didn't get my own cell phone until I was 20 years old and in college. That Thanksgiving, when I came home, I was texting my girlfriend and my father complained that I was on my phone ‘all the time.’ In many families, the time I spent on my phone would have been considered completely normal. However, in my home, no matter the amount of time spent on the phone, any time spent involved on the phone instead of talking with the people who are present is considered rude.

Now, that’s just an example of one unique aspect of my family’s own culture. There are many other things that can very from one family to another that may reflect a difference in culture. Some families are more physically affectionate with one another. For instance, in your family, is it normal to tickle your grown siblings? Or would you only tickle little children during rough and tumble play? Or does your family never tickle at all? What about spanking? Some families only use spanking as a form of punishment, others would never permit spanking in their home. In contrast, some families will spank one another as a joke. Religion can also play a role in the differences in family culture. Does your family do things like pray before you have dinner? If you do, who is the one who prays, or asks someone to pray? The list can go on and can include how you talk with your family, or how you pick what you are going to do to bond together. However, each of these things help shape who you are and who your family is.

A family’s culture can be strongly influenced by the culture of their communities and nations. For instance, my wife and I are both from the western United States, but in many instances our families have a very different culture. As a couple, we are now working together to form our own family culture together. Which leads me to one of the great things about family culture: they are not set in stone, and they can be changed. If someone does not like something about the family culture in the home they grew up in, they can change that.

There are a lot of small things about a family’s culture that in long the run don’t make much of a difference. Whether or not a family allows people to wear shoes in the house, or requires that everyone finish everything on the plate at dinner before they are excused, usually doesn’t leave a long lasting effect on the relationships and development of family members. However, there some things that do matter a lot for a family.  

One of the big things that does matter is if your family culture allows its members to feel security. This is especially important for the younger children of a family. They need to know that they have parents who love them and love each other. One way that a family culture can help establish a sense of security is by having an executive leader of some sort. This is not a family dictator that doesn't compromise, but instead is a person that the family can turn to as a leader when things get out of control and become chaotic. The executive leader helps insure a feeling of security and safety.

I think it is wonderful that there are so many different kinds of cultures in the world. The differences between families can be a great blessing, because each family brings an important view and sense of character to the community. It’s my hope that we can remember to embrace the good in our family cultures, be willing to learn from the good in the cultures of other families around us, and be brave to leave behind the things that are harmful.

Family Dominoes: The Trends of Marriage and Family

Martin Luther King Jr. once said: “ Whatever affects one, directly affects all indirectly.” Often times, we hear others ask “ Why does it matter what I do, or how I do things? It's my life." Well, like Martin Luther King Jr. stated, our actions do not only effect our own lives, but the lives of others as well.

I will compare this effect to a set of standing Dominoes.

Once you hit one, they will topple one over another until all have fallen. One cannot fall without effecting others. In the same manner, what we do will not only effect ourselves, but also our families and our community. In this post I will be going over some family trends, and then how they have a successive Domino effect on other aspects of life for individuals, families, and communities.

Some of the interesting trends are as follows:

• People are marrying at a later age. In the U.S. the average age for males about 28, and for females it 26.
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• The percentage of couples who engage in cohabitation before marriage is on the rise within the U.S. with 60%-80% doing so.
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• There has been an increase of mothers who enter the work force who have children under the age of 6.
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• The size of households in the U.S. is decreasing with the current average size of a household being 2.3 people. This is along side a decreasing birth rate of 1.8 children born per women.
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• The number of out of wedlock births has been on a steady rise in the U.S. over the last several of years.
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• There is an increased rate of people living alone.
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• Additionally, there is an increased amount of reported loneliness.
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• Finally, there is a high rate of divorces.
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Many people may look at a lot of these trends and ask the question, “ Why does this matter?" Well, it turns out that these trends have a Domino affect one another. Just as Martin Luther King Jr. said, the each action we take does in all reality effect more than just ourselves and may have an unforeseen effect later on down the road.

So, what happens if people marry later, and how does that affect others? Often, when people delay marriage, it effects how many children that couple can have together. The number of children born into a family contributes to not only the size of the family or household, but to the population of our community and nation. At first glance this may not appear to big concern, but when a nation's birth rate falls below 2.3 children per mother, this is a concern. Once a birth rate falls below 2.3 children per mother, it throws the proportion of the population off balance, so that in future years there will too few children growing into adults who will then be able to take care of the adults who have become the elderly.

Next, let’s examine this Domino effect by taking a look at the trend of cohabitation before marriage. "How does this influence others? It only affects the relationship of the individual couple, right?" Well, often those who cohabit do not have as many children as those who are married, which as we have already explained, can cause some complicated trends in the population. Cohabitation is linked to the rise in children who are born out of wedlock. Couples that engaged in cohabitation before marriage are also linked to an increased rate of divorce. Of couples that divorce, when children are involved, the mother often has to seek employment. When mothers of children under six who were once the primary caregiver for their child have to enter the work force, this can be a cause for concern. At such a young age, there is a lot of development taking place for children, and it is important that they have a constant, reliable caregiver so that they can experience a healthy development physically, emotionally, and mentally.

Another prevalent trend is the increase of individuals who are living alone. This is linked to the decline in marriage. Similarly, it can also act as one of the contributing factors of smaller household sizes, and a higher reports of loneliness.

Now, there are certainly many sensitive reasons behind why individuals and couples choose to take the path that they do. But, regardless of the drive behind these trends, the result is not positive and has serious negative effect on the family and society. It is important that we be especially mindful of how our actions can effect our families that we have now, and the ones that we may wish to have someday.

Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn said, “Thus it is that no cruelty whatsoever passes by without impact, thus it is that we always pay dearly for chasing after what is cheap.”

In my mind, the family is the most important unit of a society.  However, being married, having children, and caring for loved ones is not cheap or easy at all. It can take an economic, emotional, and physical toll on individuals. I have never heard anyone say that to be a spouse or a parent is easy. The societal trends that we have discussed could be considered cheap in that they are easier or provide a path of least resistance. However, like Mr. Solzhenitsyn, these cheap choices will have an unfortunate consequence.

A short intro on who I am...

My name is Tyler Richardson. I am a Psychology Major with a Minor in Marriage and Family Studies. This semester in my class, Family Relations, I have been assigned to create a blog post each week to share what I am learning. I feel that the family is very important, and something that everybody can relate to and benefit from learning more about. As I share things here throughout the semester, I hope that it will be able to help someone. Please feel free to comment on the posts with your thoughts, questions, or concerns.